How To Be a Super-Whatever
by Dark-Automaton
Summary: A simple cynical guide into surviving while having mutant abilities. Now with more HP Lovecraft.
1. Chapter 1

**How To Be a Super-Whatever**

By Jane D.

Introductions

Hello, my viewers. I am a sort of blogger, and a member of a rising trend. Namely, the super-whatever bloggers. I say the "whatever" part so as to not accidentally trigger those who think we're anything but heroes. I seriously don't want to hear their crap here, of all places.

My identity shall be kept to the bare minimum, as I may wind up being targeted by the media for my advice. I am a young adult female of average stature. I was raised by a single mother in the city, but have since moved away due to my abilities. My powers themselves are of no determinable origin, as I have never been contacted by Xavier's School, never contacted any mysterious substances (even common drugs), and have no idea who my birthfather is. My alias is short for "Jane Doe," and if you have ever watched any of those criminal investigation shows, you'll see why.

My reasons for posting this is in order to be of some use to the next generation of accidental superhumans, or newly revealed alien hybrids, or whatever you may be that will earn you the ire of the common man. You will be jaded and perhaps a little cruel, but you'll live to tell the tale.

* * *

 _Rule #1. The moment you discover your powers, hide somewhere safe._

Preferably your bedroom, a large closet, or a particularly empty and out of the way alley. Really, any location away from people that you know well should do just fine. As long as you can find your bearings, you can breath easy, for now.

The first thing you should do whilst discovering your powers is figure out what they do, how they work, and how well you can control them. That way, you may figure out how to hide them. Now I know what you're saying, "But Jane, the X-men said we shouldn't hide from what we are!"

I know that, but they put their members through training that features deadly robots and spandex suits that are fireproof for a reason. This guide is for those who want to at least survive in the normal world, not super-heroes who have been trained to fight with their abilities for as long as they've been in that institute. It would be like if you were required to take karate classes since elementary school.

But I digress, I don't think it's very practical to hide from yourself. Rather, it would be best simply to hide what the normal humans don't like, so they won't try to lynch you. You can be you, use your powers if they don't harm or frighten you, as much as you like when you're alone.

* * *

 _Rule #2. Test the full extent of your power._

Knowing your limits is key to learning control. I myself had quite a few problems with my own, as it involved outside forces.

For you, you should figure out how to do the basics within perhaps the first week or two. At this stage, seeking advice from a more lenient super-human group, like the X-men, would be recommended. They may put you through nigh apocalyptic situations, but at least you'll find out what you're doing. And if you're power is subconscious or uncontrollable, they actually have some methods of suppressing it, need be.

Not that you should full-time join them; they like to go on caped adventures to save lives and risk their own when mutants are involved. If they ask for your help, politely decline or make sure it is only the one time that you go. These guys have more attempted assassinations under their belts than half the United States presidency.

And for the love of god, don't join the Brotherhood, Hydra, or any other of those extremist organizations! The moment you serve them, the government will hunt you down and shoot you dead. No questions asked, no funeral rites, and your cremated body will be dumped in the ocean as soon as they're done slicing it up for science. On that note, don't join up with SHIELD either; they'll use you like a weapon and put you down the moment you decide you've had enough. Pretty much any company, organization, or intelligence agency will screw you over.

* * *

 _Rule #3. Assess your priorities._

This step is necessary for any sane person in general, but it is especially important for an unusual. With normal people, making a wrong turn can be forgiven and tried again. With us, one wrong move can get you killed.

If you have any sense of self-preservation, refer to this guide of priority:

1\. Something like a family member in danger, your own life being at risk, the life of someone you find not expendable.

2\. Your future career, the future of family or close friends, massive property damage.

3\. The respect of your peers, your place in society, a complete stranger's damning criticisms.

4\. Petty wants, like world domination, societal upheaval, or mass media attention.

Do take note I didn't put "revenge" on there. Vengeance is a very tricky topic, and its importance varies massively between people depending on what it is for and what it means to them. If you're going to put it above 2 though, I don't think I'd want to be in your circle.

Yes, I did place those megalomaniac ideals as petty wants. You can live without making a massive fuss. In fact, it can actually get you killed, or at least put into a colorfully gaudy outfit and paraded around media as a psycho.

* * *

For now, those are all the rules I have yet to come up with. I may consider giving out bits of my story for examples, if asked, but the whole story is mine and mine alone. If I were to spill my guts, I'd be called a bigger heretic than any mere mutant revolutionary, a greater monster than the creations of the sickest gods, and a darker witch than the Scarlet. None of us ask for it, myself included, although the things I have seen say otherwise.

* * *

 _Author's Note: How do you like it so far? Got anything to say to Miss Jane Doe? Leave a review or PM if you do!_


	2. Chapter 2

**How To Be a Super-Whatever**

 **Part 1**

By Jane D.

I'll never understand the common humans. One minute, they are shouting "Save us!" to superheroes, and the next, they outlaw having powers without a fucking license. We didn't ask to be unable to fit your standards, you shits. Ugh, this is why the radicals have such a huge-ass following; you idiots are living up to their propaganda.

Anyways, I think it's a good time to put up some more rules for survival. As you can probably tell, I have an honestly low opinion of Homo Sapiens, but not enough to fully hate them. Sure, they ruined my life, and are some of the hugest hypocrites in the universe, but killing them would mean that the killer doesn't have more important things to do.

* * *

 _Rule #4. Don't kill unless absolutely necessary._

No matter how good you may be at hiring lawyers, you must always assume the worst and prepare for it. The normal humans don't like us, and have no qualms over killing us, attacking us, and sending us to prison without trial or due rights. This may not be true for all of them, but if you want to live, you must always assume such is a constant. Even if they seem nice, it could all change at the drop of a hat.

Anyways, try and reserve killing for those threatening your level 1 or 2 priorities, as I stated in Rule #3. Make sure it isn't public, and I would suggest watching crime investigation shows to figure out how it should be carried out. Make sure there is evidence that the dead had threatened you or your loved ones, and that you had no other choice. Though, I don't think it would be advisable to do this to anything other than well known criminals. Not even normal humans could blame you for killing the modern Jack the Ripper.

* * *

 _Rule #5. If you're going to be a vigilante, be a smart one._

Like I mentioned before, superheroes are prone to bad publicity. If you think you want to use your powers for good, that's nice of you, but putting yourself in the spotlight will only cause you and others pain. That incident, with the town's destruction, was caused by a combination of stupid supers looking for fame and fortune, and a criminal that had no qualms over exploding next to a school.

Before I go any further into that, here are some ground demi-rules:

Don't dress up in a flashy and impractical costume; yoga pants, a well-fitting hoodie, a ski mask, and sneakers work just as well as any super-suit. If you do have something skin-tight and fireproof, wear it underneath the casual stuff. The normal clothes give you both cover and a small layer of protection.

Don't make up some stupid superhero name for yourself. It's like naming a stray animal; you get attached to it, and don't want to let go, even if it would be good sense to do so. You need to be ready to leave it, should it become necessary. If you find yourself unable to go vigilante, you can always go volunteer at the library or something.

Don't do it out in the open. Any even slightly reasonable person knows why.

Don't do it in the same area, either, and don't get territorial. If someone else wants to help others, consider them on the same side as you. If they go too far, take them aside as soon as you can, and see if you can reach an agreement for them to tone it down a little.

Know when to fold 'em. Seriously, if you know the location of a supervillain's evil hideout, report it anonymously. Unless you are absolutely certain they are weaker than you and are doing something that needs to be stopped right now, get the hell out of there, and call the authorities. Let the professionals handle the big guys.

* * *

 _Addressing the Stamford incident._

My views on this are simple. The New Warriors, as they called themselves, made the mistake of going after a villain on their day off, and paid a price heavier than they expected. The lives of not only hundreds, but also their own. The SHRA should be edited to consider the Bill of Rights, since it does, in fact, apply to _everyone_. Captain America isn't trying to cause anyone harm when he refused to accept the Act, and I don't think Tony Stark wants anybody hurt either.

It's called taking a third option called compromise. If you fools want us to fully comply, why not remove the racist undertones and the threat of unconstitutional drafting? I'm sure you wouldn't enjoy being dragged into military service just because you have the magical ability to do something unusually useful. If we want to help, we will apply to the military, or volunteer.

For those who have lost loved ones in the explosion, I am sorry for your loss. However, this is no excuse for you to attack those who had nothing to do with the crime. Yes, we do have the potential to cause massive damage. Hell, my own abilities could rip holes in reality if I chose to go all out. The important thing is that we don't normally do that. Nitro was a monster in his own right, and those New Warriors weren't aware of what they were doing. I know you're suffering, but moving on is important to us all.

* * *

 _Silly Opinions_

Wow, J.J. Jameson is kinda going all out isn't he? The dude you hired to take pictures of Spiderman happens to be Spiderman. Can't say I'm surprised; that Parker dude was the only guy who could get his hands on such good shots, right? It makes perfect sense in hindsight.

That Miss Marvel chick seems to have the supernatural ability of Plot Convenience, if this were a movie. Though, I'm kind of curious how in the world she can keep that leotard from slipping; you can nearly see the sides of her waist! It is kind of concerning how she wears that tiny Domino mask, and somehow I can't find out her identity. Damn you Plot Convenience powers!

Does anyone else notice how that Nitro dude hasn't been arrested yet? He's kind of a gigantic terrorist and mass murderer now, right? Last time I asked my resources, one of the X-Men's buddies is after him. Can't get a straight answer from my informants, though, so I don't know who it really is.

* * *

 _Rule #6. Don't tell anybody about your powers until they've passed the test._

You can never be too careful when picking your alliances. As a general rule of thumb, I go by the whole "don't ask, don't tell" thing. If they don't ask you if you have powers, don't tell them, unless the powers affect everything around you. I consider myself a huge exception due to the nature of my own abilities.

The test is relatively simple, though.

1\. Have they known you for two or more years?

2\. Are they not associated with any intelligence agencies, world-wide organizations, media outlets, or particularly zealous religious communities?

3\. Do they have a positive or realistic outlook on mutants?

4\. Do they avoid listening to the likes of Graydon Creed or J.J. Jameson?

5\. Are they family, close friends, or lovers?

6\. Are they human?

If the answer is yes to all of them, let them know when/if they ask. If you answered no to the last one, several of the previous answers are obsolete, as aliens tend to categorize mutants as humans anyways. Any "no" answers besides that, and avoid the topic as subtly as you can.

As you can see, I probably don't have many people in my own life privy to my abilities. Hell, a lot of the people in it that actually do fit all the criteria don't know that much about me. That's mainly because I am fully aware that any more weirdness out of me would probably grow tentacles and absorb any unsuspecting bystander in its infernal obscurity.

* * *

 _Rule #7. Do not flirt with the empowered lady/dude in the fetching spandex/leather/etc._

Just because you've got powers does not mean that you are entitled to go after these types. Especially if they're in the superhero/supervillain business. For the love of God, this kind of shit can get you killed and stuffed in a fridge. And on another note, they might not be as old as they look. They can be anywhere between 12 and several thousand years of age, and look to be in their prime.

Another thing to consider is if they're actually human. Again, Skrulls are sneaky bastards, and I don't think you want to accidentally bone a humanoid reptile that just looks your preferred gender.

There's also the issue with alien/supernatural reproduction. This should also apply to normal humans too: Before you fuck the other-species entity, make sure they wont inseminate you with something like the Xenomorphs from Alien vs Predator. Nobody wants a chestburster. At the very least, if you are particularly attached to them for some reason, as if they are mammals first. As always, practice safe sex, use a condom, and all the other stuff your parents probably should have told you when you hit puberty.

* * *

 _Rule #8. Avoid interdimensional beings at all costs._

Yes, I am in fact saying this. In spite of my own experiences, normal people tend to get the short end of the stick when making deals with devils. I'm a big exception because they think of me like the Executives of a company think of the managers of their stores; I'm already stuck with them, but they don't push me around. You poor mortals, however, are like the sad minimum wage interns mopping the floors. You do a single thing wrong and they will gut you.

This also applies to literal gods. The likes of Loki, Thanos, and Malekith all count under this category. You do not toy with those guys. If you meet them, and they seem hostile, make sure that they are focusing on an actual Superhero and not you. When that's assured, get the fuck out of there. If they are focusing on you, you may just be fucked. And I do not mean in the sexy way. See Rule #7 for why.


End file.
